Rant: Being a Good Customer

I don't have anything else to write about just yet, so I figured it's about time I set forth my own humble opinions as to what you can do to be a good customer.

I write this both from the perspective of a waiter and a frequent diner.

The relationship between customer and service staff is fucked up already. In many ways, the server as the immediate face of the restaurant becomes the focus for all that goes ill in a restaurant, yet when things go well the first thing a customer wants to do is send compliments to the kitchen or the manager. Servers are blamed for prices, portion sizes, decor, and the length of time that it takes for food to get out of the kitchen, all of which the server has little if any control over. In the end too, the customer's responses are based as much upon ingrained and ritualized behavior than upon any actual judgment or logic. Complaining about how long food takes does not make the food come out quicker. Besides, if you're actually out enjoying yourself, it shouldn't how long something takes--aren't you having fun just being out?

With these thoughts in mind, here are some valuable (valuable!) tips to make your dining experiences better for you and the people who serve you.

1. Don't complain to a server. What I mean by this is don't complain to the server about issues of portion size, price, decor, etc. A server has no control over this--he or she may even be sympathetic to your concerns, but has neither the power to change these circumstances nor the eagerness to relay your complaints. If you have a legitimate beef, ask to speak to the manager on duty. While the manager probably won't give a fuck either (especially if the restaurant is established), he or she's more likely to be in a position to remedy your complaint if it is legitimate.

2. Do bring problems to a server's attention. If you think that food is improperly prepared or that you weren't given what was specified in the menu, do mention that in a fair and non-accusatory way to your server. Chances are that the mistake is an honest mistake and the restaurant will want to rectify it. Don't blame or penalize the server for the error and always, always be genial. You're much more likely to have an item comped or a complimentary drink or dessert sent to your table if you're friendly and helpful instead of pissed off and surly.

3. Don't denounce food categorically. Chances are if a restaurant has been open for a while they are established and enough people like what they're doing to keep the restaurant afloat. Despire what you might think, it is unlikely that anything on the menu is "terrible," "atrocious," or any other negative adjective. At the very worst it's just not to your tastes and chances are it is to the tastes of nearly every other diner. Those complaints just make you sound surly.

4. Read the menu. Just as with any test, read the contents thoroughly. It's okay. Take your time. Make sure you understand it before you ask any questions that'll make you look legally retarded.

5. Trust your server. At a good restaurant your server is a trained customer service professional there to help you. Ask your server for recommendations and then go along with them if you do. If you know what you want, then don't ask questions and just order.

6. Do your research. Find out about the restaurant before you go. Read reviews (professional or otherwise), find the menu online, ask friends who've been, or swing by and check the menu out sometime. Know what to expect this will make you less likely to suffer from sticker shock ro any other food-related shock.

7. Don't ignore your server. If a staff member of the restaurant comes to your table, pause and acknowledge there presence. A server is not coming to your table to be annoying, they're coming to serve you. Nothing pisses me off more than being ignored by a table--I'm not expecting your undivided attention, I just think that I can maybe help you right now. Maybe I can answer questions about the restaurant or the food. I understand that you might not be ready to order, that's not why I'm there. If you truly don't want the server there yet, a simple and polite "can you give us a couple minutes" suffices nicely. And be honest--if you say you need a couple minutes, then be ready to go in a couple minutes.

8. Order. Along those lines, just fucking order. You have all night to talk and visit--when you get to a table, sit down, read the menu, talk amongst yourselves, and decide on your meal. This helps you as much as it helps a server--I guarantee that on a busy night if you don't order by the second visit to your table by the server, you're increasing your likelihood of being ignored for a while exponentially. Once you're seated, spend the five goddamn minutes actually reading the menu instead of chatting up your dining partner--she's not going to sleep with you anyway, it's just a business lunch.

I'm sure more thoughts will come to me. Expect a second installment.