Tuesday, October 24, 2006

HFF Asks: Why?


So why do people love bread? I mean I like bread. Bread is fine. It serves its purpose and can be pretty tasty sometimes. For my money, Tartine's levain-esque loaf is the best, by the way. But I can't understand how people fetishisize bread. Some people seem to honestly be sexually attracted to Acme's levain. I will admit that its shape lends itself to being humped (and not much else--you ever try slicing a loaf of levain into any functional form?) So many people ask for more bread and don't eat much (or any) of the bread that is brought to the table. And don't be that weirdo who asks to take their bread home. That makes you pretty much the cheapest and most food obsessed fucker on the planet. As a side note, do you know how many superfluous calories you'd give up if you stopped eating bread with dinner? Just sayin'.

Waiter Hatred.

The vast majority of diners are friendly enough folk. Some are even a pleasure to serve. Yet there is a sizeable minority who have nothing but contempt for those hard working folks who serve them their food. Why is that? Some ideas:

1. Being waited upon at a restaurant is the closest most people come to having actual servants. Therefore they feel compelled to bitch, moan, and request every little thing before they go back home to their nice house and loveless marriage.

2. People think waiters are out to screw them. I think that there are people who honestly believe that the fraternity of waiters is some sort of strange Freemason-type brotherhood that is out to fuck with people. Waiters only fuck with you if you're a weirdo who thinks that waiters fuck with you. It's a vicious circle.

3. Middle-aged women. Simply the worst to wait on, generally. Picky, entitled, and dour, without the redeeming charms of old age. They hate waiters because they see either: the youthful beauty they once had (if female) or the husband who once loved them but is now banging his secretary (if male). Sure this might be because of being oppressed by years of patriarchy so they need some outlet for their frustrations, but that's what a dildo's for.

4. They get it. There are a few people who realize that waiting tables at a good restaurant is the ticket to a well-paid, flexible, and interesting job that doesn't involve sitting on your ass in an office and slowly dying of artheriosclerosis and the lack of a soul. And they're jealous.

Soft Drinks.

So this is unfair. It's not that I don't understand the appeal of soft drinks--they're very sweet, after all. What I don't understand is why anyone would order a Coke when there is an entire beverage list of infinitely better (and better for you) non-alcoholic beverages. Why waste money on high fructose corn syrup in a can if you can get a Reed's Ginger Brew, IBC Root Beer, or IZZE fruit soda. I know that coke is "America" or something but, honestly--gross. Not to mention void of nutrition.

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