Diner Etiquette: Those First Moments

Ever wondered what your servers are thinking when you sit down to eat? How they size you up? What they hope you do or don't do?

When you come into a restaurant everyone there is making a quick initial assessment. How you behave when you walk into a restaurant until you place your order will affect the entire rest of your evening.

So.... what should you do?

First: DO NOT SEAT YOURSELF! Unless the restaurant has a sign that says "please seat yourself." This includes directing the host to the table at which you would like to sit. This is one of the biggest pet peeves in the business. A restaurant needs to maximize its usable space, which means that seats can't be wasted. There are reservations coming in as well as server loads to consider (you can't seat 5 tables at once in one server's section). I know it may look like the restaurant is empty now, but it'll probably fill up while you're dining. Plus if one couple takes up a table for four, all of a sudden you have to let every couple take up a large table.

Honestly folks, a table for two is enough room for two people. If the size of a table really concerns you to the point of consternation, go see a fucking psychiatrist. And if a restaurant honeslty doesn't have big enough tables, mention it to management. Enough complaints, things will change.

As a side note, before you bitch about a table you're seated at, take a quick look around and make sure there actually are other open tables. I can't tell you how many times I've seated somebody at the only open table (usually one of the worst in the restaurant) and been asked if we have something else. No, we don't have anything else. See?

Second: Sit down, read your menu, and be patient. Bread and water will come. As an aside, don't ask for water with no ice. If ice causes you pain and disomfort to the point of consternation, just give up and get some dentures. Just wait the ten minutes for the ice to melt and move on with your life. Anyway, remember: your waiter will come. I promise. So Take this time to READ THE GODDAMN MENU. Read everything, make note of questions or curiosities. Look at both sides of the menu. Find the wine list. Read the wine list. Decide what you want to do for wine (glasses, bottle, cocktails). Make note of beverage questions. Reading the menu is very important (think of it like reading all the answers to a test question before responding). I've had people order smoked salmon that clearly said "smoked salmon" on the menu and then send it back because they didn't realize it was smoked. Seriously.

Third: When your waiter arrives, just remember that he's just there to check in. A good waiter will usually arrive at your table about five minutes after you're seated (if it's not overly busy). He's not there to take your order (though if you're ready, great), he's there to find out any immediate issues and questions, and to get a drink order. If you're not ready, fine and dandy. A polite "oh, no questions yet we just need some more time" is all you need say. Don't flustered and flighty. This will indicate you as a crazy. But do ask questions if you have them, just make sure, once again, you've read the menu. Don't ask what kind of fish is in the stew if it SAYS ON THE FUCKING MENU WHAT KIND OF FISH IS IN THE STEW. Don't ask if you can substitute chicken if there's no chicken on the menu.

Fourth: Once your questions are answered and your wine is poured, order quickly and concisely. Don't call your server over because you're ready to order and then hem and haw through the menu for five minutes. Don't declare that you're ready to order if half of your party isn't. Order when you're ready to order, ask questions and deliberate until then. This makes you feel less rushed and your server has a chance to do something than just stand at the side of your table eyeing your wife, which means better service for everyone else in the restaurant. Also, order everything when you know what you want. Inform your server if you'd like to "take it slow" or inform your server if you're in a hurry. He can pace your meal appropriately. But there's nothing more annoying than a table that insists on sitting on their menus and order course by course (even though they know what they want) just so they can "pace" their own dinner. A good waiter will be able to do it for you and if he has your whole order it makes it easier for him to coordinate everything on a busy night.

If you follow these basic steps, your server will assess that you're a friendly and savvy diner. The waiter's going to care about you more and make you a higher priority on a busy night.

One last side note. Here are the signs that a waiter looks for to determine if you're ready to order (don't do these things if you're not):
1. Your menus are on the table, off to the side.
2. You're no longer looking at the menus after having looked at them.
3. You're looking up and around the restaurant.

There you have it. Take a deep breath, read your menu, and prepare to enjoy your evening.