Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Fucking Sliders Motherfuck Ballsack

I'm fucking tired of sliders. I cannae think of a more pretentiously ridiculous and retardedly annoying trend in the history of dining since the Romans stuffed a llama inside a bear inside a grapefruit.

The only good sliders is the mid-90's Jerry O'Connell vehicle on Fox.

Sliders are that rare instance of cuisine sliding "up" on the class scale. This is a phenomenon normally reserved for Italian food and drink where the wretched waste-cuisine of the underclass becomes luxury cuisine in America because we decide that anyone with an accent and wearing a suit sans-tie must know something we don't. In this manner we get grappa, the skin-melting distilled remnants of wine and brandy production, that costs a hundred dollars a bottle.

Here's the usual process by which food finds its way to the masses. Thomas Keller at the French Laundry goes (between blowjobs from Vestal Virgins) "Hey, you know what would be good with these mixed greens? Some fresh peaches and candied pecans." Once that happens, all the court and retainers of the Cal Cuisine palace have seasonal fruit and nut salads on their menus. Then it trickles downhill to TGI Friday's and Chili's before finally finding its place on the menus at McDonald's' worldwide.

The slider took the reverse path, starting as a novelty pre-fast food fast food gimmick, remaining there for most of a century, and then entering the national public consciousness thanks to an epic movie from 2004.

As an aside, on a fraternity-related trip to Minneapolis I ended up at an all-black strip club with several prominent alumni brothers, after indulging in a venti cafe mocha (as it were) one of the brothers decided it'd be a good idea to take a taxi cab to the White Castle drive through at last call. That cab ride cost about $200.

There's a reason that tiny hamburgers remained the bastion of a medium-sized fast food restaurant chain for so long and didn't cross the blood-brain barrier into the mainstream until about 2005.

They fucking suck.

Is this a case similar to that of Miller High Life, PBR, trucker hats, moustaches, or Dickie's? Where a proud symbol of blue collar America and/or homosexuality becomes an ironic emblem of hipster douchebaggery?

Yes.

I don't care if it's lamb, or pork, or Kobe beef, or Wagyu beef, or fucking beef massaged by fucking strippers with fucking gold-plated areolae--IT'S STILL A TINY FUCKING HAMBURGER FOR LIKE WAY TOO MUCH MONEY!

In one instance, a restaurant served a single slider, a small pile of french fries, and a 2oz. milkshake on a plate and called it haute cuisine. I call it bullshit with a cherry on top.

Recently I had a "chicken and waffle" slider. It sucked. It was dry and gross. It was cute to be sure, but so is oleander and oleander will kill you.

"Oh look Harold, isnt' that cute? It's a tiny hamburger! That's darling! I want a dozen of them! Isn't that great? Ooooh! It's like I can eat a hamburger in just one little bite. That means it's not a real burger! It's like negative calories! What? You're sleeping with your secretary! I can't belive you Harold!"

And that's how sliders break up your family.

I hereby call for a boycott of all slider-serving restaurants nationwide, except for White Castle.

5 comments:

Zack said...

Cheesecake Factory has been serving sliders for like 15 years at least.

But they're still no good.

James said...

I wear Dickies to work. Does that make me blue-collar or homosexual? I'd rather be either of those than a hipster douche.

David J.D. said...

It's okay to wear work pants to, you know, work. I approve.

Is Cheesecake Factory classier than White Castle? Tough call.

James said...

Cheesecake Factory is classier than White Castle in the same way an over-made whoor is classier than the girl-next-door who never dresses up, but is still really hot. Basically- no.

charlie w. said...

You said "whoor."

I approve.