These Things Must End

1. "What kind of martinis do you have?"

There are two kinds of martinis, gin and vodka. Or rather, there's one kind of martini, made with gin, and then there's also a "vodka martini." You can then request your martini to any degree of dryness and, grudgingly, I'll let you order a dirty martini. But not a filthy martini. Filthy martinis are for whores.

But just because a drink is in a cocktail glass, that does not make it a martini. And that's right, it's a cocktail glass, not a fucking martini glass. I know that cocktail glass is oh so exciting and reminds you of those old "don't drink and drive" ads from your childhood but it's really mostly an historically anomaly with little functionality.

Now what's my opinion on cocktails appended with the suffix "-tini?" I'll allow it, because it really sounds breathtakingly stupid.

A martini is a drink that puts hair on your chest. It's gin lightly diluted with ice and tempered with a splash of vermouth. That's it.

2. People over the age of 22 who can't cook.

I'm not expecting you to make a perfect souffle or an unbroken aioli. But if you can't make an okay omelette, a respectable pasta sauce, a flavorful roast pork tenderloin, or a not too-dry poached salmon, what the hell have you been doing with your time?

This isn't the 1950's where you lived at home with mom and dad, then lived for four years in a dorm, and then lived in a boarding house for the year or two before you got married and had a wife to cook for you and beat. And women, you're no longer part of a generation who basically spends most of her childhood learning to cook and most of her young adulthood finding a husband to cook for and beat you.

Most of us are going to be unmarried well into our thirties and if you don't know how to cook simply and healthfully for yourself you're going to get fat, doughy, and/or spend a lot of money going out to eat. The best way to get better at cooking? Do it more often.

To further this end, stay tuned for simple cooking tips in future installments of HFF.

3. The Food Network

Briefly, very briefly, the Food Network was a compelling channel about cooking, food, and food history. Now it's a collection of annoying white women (and a few ethnic women who all look remarkably like Rachel Ray) giving tips on how to open up cans and mix ingredients up in a pot mixed with shows starring fat reactionary white guys screaming about how you should love eating a fried mayonnaise sandwich topped with bacon.

Actually that sounds pretty good, but you get my point.

With the enlightening food shows moving over to the Travel Channel or back to their roots on PBS, the Food Network has outlived its usefulness, becoming the cable television equivalent of recipes on the back of Knorr dehydrated broth packets.

Once again we've shifted to taking the path of least resistance, presenting programming that serves not to educate but instead to validate ignorance and laziness.

And there you have it! Join us next time on Horny for Food for the harrowing conclusion of "The Adventures of Bronco Daisy and the Curse of the Wizard's Staff."