You Get What You Pay For

I recently had the dubious pleasure of dining at two upscale family dining chain restaurants. One, Buca di Beppo, is a national operation of vaguely Italian food that made it's reputation on big portions and family-style dining. The other is a smaller local chain, The Fish Market, based out of the South Bay.

These types of restaurants, more so than any other, confuse the fuck out of me.

Here's why:

I understand the popularity of fast food restaurants. They offer a very cheap, quick product. Sometimes that product is actually semi-decent too.

I understand the popularity of conventional casual dining restaurants. They offer long hours, convenience, hefty portions, family-friendliness, consistency, and prices that are a good 50% cheaper than most Bay Area fine dining. I grew up in the suburbs. I grew up where Chili's and TGIFriday's were the only places to go and hang out after 10PM in high school. I have a soft spot for casual dining. Hell, I think Red Robin is actually pretty good for what it is. So's Joe's Crab Shack.

I understand the popularity of greasy Chinese restaurants, donut shops, and hot dog stands of questionable cleanliness, particularly when said establishments are near a college campus. They fill a desperate, desperate need for cheap, filling food for dirt-poor students.

I don't get places like Buca di Beppo, the Cheesecake Factory, The Fish Market, and other restaurants of that ilk. They seem like a giant waste of money that aren't offering anything unique other than kitsch and, in the Cheesecake Factory's case, cheesecake.

Take The Fish Market. I'll admit that the quality of the fish itself was pretty good. However the preparations were without skill, cooking every fish the same way and overcooking it at that. Sure you probably got 20% more fish at 20% cheaper price than at a comparable fine dining establishment, but is that really worth it? Are the sides of lukewarm French fries and steamed vegetables really that big of a deal? Let's compare.

The Fish Market had harried service and not enough of it. I don't blame our server. Literally one other person visited the table besides her and that was once to refill water. Empty plates weren't cleared. Food was not run promptly. We could see it stack up under the heat lamps. So we already see one spot where that extra 20% in the price goes toward, staffing. Fine dining restaurants employ enough bussers to keep tables relatively clear and water relatively refilled. I'm not saying it's perfect every time, but it's a helluva lot better than the Fish Market. They also employ food runners/expediters whose job is to make sure that your food gets to your table as soon after it is cooked as possible. This is a little-understood and under appreciated evolution in dining. Also note the quality of product that you'll get for that extra 20%. While the fish at The Fish Market was fresh, it was also from some of the most questionable fisheries in the world. Filipino ahi instead of Hawaiian, trawl-caught salmon, etc. Spend a little bit extra, get a helluva lot better product prepared with actual skill.

Let's move on to Buca di Beppo. Admittedly Buca di Beppo is a bit cheaper than The Fish Market or the Cheesecake Factory. But you're dealing with pasta which is pretty much the cheapest edible thing out there after rice. Besides the absolutely disgustingly filthy tableclothes and the undrinkable house chianti (our server clumsily tried to upsell us on the $50 chianti classico after the $26 chianti classico proved unavailable), you didn't get water unless you asked for it and you get to set in an enormous overly-lit dining room. I will admit that Buca di Beppo's food was cooked pretty damn well for what it was. The pasta was al dente, the eggplant parmesan had a remarkably fresh-tasting marinara sauce, and the crust on the pizza was crisp and tasty. Everything also tasted of cheap cheap cheese. Was it an alright meal? Sure. I would've gladly paid $10 more and had a truly great meal some place else. Or hell, I would've paid less and had a good meal at Magnolia or Sophia. Once again at Buca di Beppo we had similarly harried service that was only slightly more attentive. This time our server forgot to bring us our garlic bread, then brought it at the end of the meal in a to-go bag and still charged us for it. We complained.

And now let's move on to Cheesecake Factory....

But first, an aside:

WHY THE FUCK DO SERVERS AT THESE PLACES INSIST ON TELLING US THEIR FUCKING NAMES! It's not fucking important. I don't care what you're name is. I don't want to holler your name to get your attention. I don't tell you my name, why would I want to know yours? Take off the fucking name tag and just give me good service, don't pretend to be my friend. This whole give your name thing also means that trashy douche bags who accidentally stumble into a real restaurant (where, incidentally, nobody tells you their name BECAUSE IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER!!!! CHRIST! WHY DO YOU CARE YOU UGLY BITCH?!) are offended when the server doesn't tell you their name.

"Oh I didn't catch your name."

"That's because I didn't tell you, you frizzy-haired witch."

I've had my best service at places where nobody tells me their name. I've had the crappiest service at the aforementioned "Hi my name is Cunty McTwatburger and I'll be your server today" establishments.

But on to the Cheesecake Factory. I was told the name of the host, server, and "designated breaker," all of whose names I promptly forgot because, like I said, I don't give a flying gorilla fuck. Here, the focus is the cheesecake, I guess. I don't like cheesecake all that much so I didn't order it. I just needed food in the 'burbs at 11PM. I got the cajun prawns. Let me tell you this. I got a rather small number of prawns, a tiny ladleful of black beans, and two tablespoons of mango salsa.... AND AN ENORMOUS BALL OF RICE! If Trashy O'Livermore went to a "fancy" restaurant and spent $18 on a dish of five or six sauteed prawns with a black beans and mango salsa she would be pissed the fuck off and consider herself ripped off. But if she goes to the Cheesecake Factory she'd consider it a great meal because she gorged herself on a rice and spent the extra $5 for 900 empty cheesecake calories as well.

It must be that for most Americans leaving bloated=money well spent.

I'm going to try harder to avoid places like these. I don't want to support them. They offer a terrible product at only a modest discount from actually good restaurants, despite admittedly offering a shitload more starch on the plate for you. I pretty much eat at either hole-in-the-wall ethnic places for $5-$10 a meal or go and spend $50 on dinner.

The area in between is rife with disaster. And full of people with more money than sense. Or taste.

Don't look at how much you spent on dinner. Look at how much more you spent on dinner and what you got in return.

Because isn't spending $100 for two at Wood Tavern an infinitely better experience than spending $70 for two a the Cheesecake factory.

And what's more, 30 or infinity?

I rest my case.