Thursday, March 04, 2010

An Easy Meal To Get You Laid

They say the quickest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. This is incorrect. As any ninja who keeps up with the trends will tell you, the quickest way to a man’s heart is a quick jab through the sternum.

However, the quickest way into a woman’s pants is through her stomach, because women like to eat. That is also something a ninja will tell you if you get a couple sakes in him.

So in the interest of everybody getting their hands dirty in the kitchen before getting them dirtier in the bedroom, I humbly submit an easy and delicious pre-coital meal:

Oven-Roasted Pork Tenderloin, White Potatoes, and Broccoli.

The oven gets a bad rap since it doesn’t have the immediate gratification of visible flames. But oven cooking rocks. It’s clean and easy and you can cook multiple things at once. It does take a little extra time because indirect heat, like a Frenchman, is inefficient.

0. Preheat oven to 375 degrees.

1. Get yourself a roasting pan or Pyrex baking dish. Lube it up with some olive oil.

2. Cut up 6-8 medium sized white potatoes. Halve or quarter them depending on the size. Place them in the roasting pan. Throw some salt, pepper, and a little more oil on the potatoes.

3. Remove the tenderloin from its packaging. Try not to make penis jokes.

4. Rub tenderloin with olive oil, salt, pepper, oregano, basil and rosemary. Or herbs de provence. Or any meat-oriented herb rub. Again, refrain from dick jokes.

5. Place tenderloin in the roasting pan on/around the potatoes.

6. Throw the whole mess in the oven. Set a timer to check on it in 30 minutes.

7. Grab a bowl. Throw in broccoli florets (probably 2 crowns’ worth).

8. Chop 4-5 cloves of garlic. Add to broccoli.

9. Drizzle broccoli and garlic with olive oil. Add a big pinch of salt.

10. Mix it up and evenly coat the broccoli and garlic.

11. Arrange the broccoli evenly on a baking sheet.

12. After 30 minutes have gone by with the pork, put the broccoli sheet in the oven on the top rack. Bake for 10-15 more minutes.

13. By bake 10-15 more minutes I mean “bake until done.” 40-45 minutes should be enough, but go ahead and cut halfway through the tenderloin at the thickest part. If its not pink but still juicy, you’re good to go. Take it out of the oven. Take the broccoli out too.

14. Let the pan sit for 5 minutes or so.

15. Take the pork out of the pan and slice into medallions on a cutting board. For two, you probably only need to cut half of the tenderloin. Save the rest for a special occasion, like Flag Day.

16. Arrange your food on two plates, half the potatoes, half the broccoli and 3-4 pork medallions on each.

17. Enjoy with a medium-bodied red wine. I’d recommend a domestic Pinot Noir, a red blend from Portugal, or a Southern Rhone.

18. Get it on.

19. Wake up the next morning with shame on your face and make the long walk home (but don’t forget your leftover tenderloin).

1 comment:

charlie w. said...

Brilliant.