Saturday, August 16, 2008

I Don't Want To Go Here

I don't care if Tapas and Wine Bar C is revealed to be the next French Laundry (unlikely), nothing except for morbid curiosity at the ill-conceived c-f that it probably is will ever get me to set foot in it.

From its ".biz" domain address, ramblingly pretentious website copy, predictably precious French maid costume-bedecked servers, and rectal prolapsingly-obvious wine list, Bar C represents that certain segment of Los Angeles: the ignorantly elitist, faux-riche, consumer monkeys.

I'm sure I've mentioned this before: Beverly Hills has the LOWEST per-capita income of any city in the country with a population over 10,000 people and a median home price over $1M. Everyone lives beyond their means and acts wealthier than they are.

But first, the actual text from Bar C's home page:

As one of the few theme bars in La we offer a wide and varied selection of wine and liquor as well as beer for the less discerning. In addition to this our cuisine is prepared by one of LA's finestest chefs. Fred Iwaski with thirty years experience at some of the most renown establishments such as Spago's, Chinos and Highland Grounds. Elegant decorum defines from a modern swanky atmosphere to attractive hostesses filled as French maids, we cater to any client looking for a night alone, with friends or business partners. Only to accentuate this all ready sensory overwhelming is highly attentive service.

I'll refrain from caring too much about the many many errors in grammar, spelling, syntax, and rampant Engrish. These are forgivable. Although I would like to know what goes into filling attractive hostesses as French maids. How do I get in on that action? What is not forgivable, however, is the ignorance and arrogance proclaimed herein.

One of the few theme bars in LA? Have you been to LA recently, or do you live in a bomb shelter directly underneath Bar C and only surface at night, never to leave the premises? This is an entire city of theme bars.

Beer for the less discerning? Why are you insulting your customers? If you're going to offer beer for your customers, making them feel like a slob because they don't want to drink vodka or boring wine from your boring wine list is not the best strategy.

Speaking of boring wine list....

For those of you who didn't click on that link, it's basically two pages of wines that even your grandmother would recgonize. It's all big, expensive, name-label California and French Wines for people with more money than sense, or really more debt than intelligence. The cheapest wines are also $12 a glass ($60/bottle). And that's for Chalone and Acacia pinots noir, wines that are readily available at your neighborhood BevMo for $18.99 ($12.99 ClubBev!).

For those of you keeping score at home, that's roughly a SIX TIMES WHOLESALE markup. If you're doing that you'd better be a hotel on Sunset or not selling wines you can buy at BevMo.

And where might this altar to conspicuous consumption and poseur decadence be located? Surely it must be in Beverly Hills or West Hollywood? No? Malibu? Hardly. Well SOMEWHERE in Hollywood or the Westside, right? Nah, it's in Little Tokyo.

Which come to think of it makes a sick sort of sense.

Have you ever met somebody who's actually fabulously wealthy? That is to say, born into privilege, never really needing anything? These people don't buy gold Rolexes and Chateau Margaux Bordeaux, they've probably inherited a weathered Cartier from their grandfather and their family has a cellar of wines from Chateaux that don't even exist any more.

And they sure as hell don't go to Bar C.

If you want to fulfill your Asian chicks in maid outfits fetish, go to Royal/T in Culver City and spend less money and feel a helluva lot classier. If you want to chat with flirty scantily-clad women, go to Jumbo's Clown Room in Hollywood. And if you need more than that, go to the Body Shop, where a topless lap dance will still set you back less than the $30/person minimum at Bar C.

1 comment:

Unknown said...

You know that if they actually have asian chicks dressed as French maids that I'm going to go here right? Even if you have to wait in the car while I get a cocktail...