Have I Mentioned I Hate Yelp!?

I'm ecstatic about the increasing negative press shoved upon Yelp! Most recently, Yelp! CEO Jeremy Somethingman defended Yelp!'s decision to not remove content that is blatantly false by saying that Yelp! can't take action based on the remarks of a business owner "who has skin in the game."

That's retarded. And you sir are retarded Mr. Somethingman. Sure if the business owner says "I don't like this review, take it down" you don't. But if the business owner can prove a review is VERIFIABLY FALSE, then of course you should take it down.

I like to think that in some small way I helped start the coalescing of this anti-Yelp! bandwagon. Everybody climb aboard!

Here's a deep dark secret: I have a Yelp! account. I started it solely to make fun of one reviewer who had a particularly asinine review. However my sarcasm was perhaps too good and she took my backhanded compliments as fronthanded compliments and proceded to, near as I could tell, ask me out on a date. Weird. Point is, because of my Yelp! account I receive the weekly Yelp! newsletter.

This newsletter is perhaps the steamiest pile of shit I've ever read.

Observe:

"Welcome to Westchester! In case you’re a little lost, it’s that place you were stuck in during your six hour delay at LAX. Yup, sound familiar now?

No Yelp!, it still doesn't sound familiar. Because A, why would I leave LAX during a mere six hour layover? And B, how the fuck would I know it was Westchester if I did?

It may not seem like much, but this little nook nestled in-between Culver City and Inglewood boasts dozens of hotels, three universities, a bustling cultural scene... and a plethora of choice restaurants. Who knew getting stuck at the airport could be so much fun? Well, yelpers did, of course!

Once again, if you're STUCK AT THE AIRPORT you're not leaving the airport to go to Westchester. Also, nooks aren't nestled, things are nestled in nooks.

Westchester definitely holds its fair share of LA history, much of which might lie within the walls of classic steakhouse The Buggy Whip, which Ethan H calls "strange and awesome." Strange, perhaps, but their steak has Ethan reverting to caveman terms within seconds: "Me like steak. Me like tasty steak. Me like BIG, tasty steak." Guess that about sums it up!

Why does Westchester hold its share of LA History? Elaborate please. And what sums what up? Me like steak sums up the history of LA in the walls of a steakhouse? Assembling words in order and punctuating them with a common American idiom does not a statement make, Yelp!

For historically delectable diner fare, Mishka F recommends the chicken and waffles at Pann's: "It was instant gratification. The chicken wings were fresh outta the fryer while the waffles were exactly the way fresh waffles should taste. Woah."

Continuing with this history conceit I see. Well--nothing else to say on this one, actually.

Need a quick, perhaps more timely, breakfast? Hit up The Coffee Co with Diana L for a blissful breakfast burrito: "It had melted cheese on top! I heart melted cheese, especially when I'm not expecting it." Um, surprise?!

What exactly is a timely breakfast? Is that an egg that knows that morning's stock prices? Or a pancake that makes an astute joke about foreign exchange rates? And you weren't expecting melted cheese in a breakfast burrito? Are you autistic?

Melted cheese might also be a major factor at Truxton's American Bistro, where Robert H fell head over heels for their Gilly Burger: "I had completely ignored my buddies' conversations as I was one with my burger... I have a new love!" Our hearts are melting with just the thought of it!

Whoever writes this steaming bloody runny feces of a newsletter really likes to superficially link clauses together with like words. Also, melted cheese is a major factor about what at Truxton's? It's just a factor? Is that it? A factor at Truxton's American Bistro is melted cheese? My head hurts.

Being in LA's jetsetter mecca, it would only be appropriate to highlight some global gastronomy, including Swiss-inspired Chalet Edelweiss. Known for great fondue and pizza, Jefferson L touts that "the food is tasty and the draft beer selection is refreshingly unique." Lederhosen, here we come!

Why are you going to lederhosen? Lederhosen are clothing. You can come in and on lederhosen, but I don't think you can come to lederhosen.

East and West collide at KC Cafe, bewildering the heck out of Melina L: "Crepes... and boba? Once I got over my confusion and settled in, I was one happy snacker."

Actually, there was this thing called "imperialism" and it brought lots of French food and culinary techniques to southeast Asia, starting over a hundred years ago. The Vietnamese and Japanese do crepes like Melina L. does four dicks at once: with a smile, a nod, and a lot of skill.

Craving a feast from the East? Caroline C Thai's one on for Ayara, while Lee S admits that Kanpai Sushi "makes me want to work harder, just so I can afford my next fix of pepper toro, sea bass skewers, and baked spicy creamy blue crab hand roll (a roll so good they gave it a seven-word name!)." Mmm, sounds far from an inflight meal to us!

Ugh.